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Chip Butty, and Other Crap Poems Recited Over Sad Piano Music

by KrisWhoMakesMusic

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1.
Yummy yumm yum In my tummy, tum, tum Chip butty with grated cheese melted on top All gooey and stringy, soft and sticky my chip butty Yummy, yum,yum* Dipping sauces or put no top My chip butty can have curry sauce, but not too hot to give it a kick on top Dripping, squelching† through my fingers My chip butty needs tomato sauce and mayo mixed together, Dip, dip, dip Drip, drip, drip, through my fingertips My Chip Butty, Yummy, yum, yum in my tummy, tum, tum *In the printed version of this poem, there is no space between the comma and "yum", I'm assuming this was deliberate by Anne Thompson of Mickleover, in an attempt to convey her desire, nay, her NEED for her chip butty. She can barely control herself and cannot pause for thought between outbursts of "yum" †Yeah, she went there.
2.
With McDonalds hamburgers and chips now off the menu, The fish shop now is their new venue, The pigeons now have a change of diet, Fish and chips left overs appears to keep them quiet, Fast food is without doubt an unhealthy diet*, Mothers' easy way out and stops the children running riot. In my day a free school dinner was my meal of the day†, Yes nourishing and fulfilling I have to say,, We were more thankful four our free dinner, Back in those days it truly was a winner, In my childhood days our society were mostly lean, Of a balanced diet we could only dream *Yes, yes George McLanders DID just rhyme diet, quiet and diet again... wait til the next line... †Yes, yes George McLanders DID just do a middle of the line rhyme, and rhymed "day" with "day". Such vision(!)
3.
OH Benwell, oh Benwell what have they done to you? Now a foreign place to the one in my youth I knew, The streets I once played in now changed and some gone Oh Benwelll, what have the planners done? Oh Benwell, Oh Benwell, in my heart you have stayed and when I see you now I feel so betrayed, My memories of you are ones of joy of seventy years ago when I was but a boy; No one will care for my thoughts on what I see For the Benwelll of my youth is now, well and truly, in the bin of history.
4.
Her Majesty has delivered her 65th Queen's Speech Our Queen travelled to the Palace of Westminster in the Diamond Jubilee State Coach Our Sovereign wore a beautiful red velvet cloak for her speech The Household Cavalry escorted the Queen on her journey The gorgeous heavily jewelled, purple crown, rarely seen was carried so carefully by the Marquis of Chholmondeley* on a beautiful velvet cushion this year The cap of maintenance given by the Pope to our Queen & the Sword of State were displayed in the royal gallery The Procession of State was full o the pop and pageantry we are renowned and admired for After Her Majesty's speech she spoke to those who had taken part smiling and thanking them† *Yep, that is how it's pronounced. Trust me, it looks fancy but he's called fucking Chumlee †THIS IS ACTUALLY HOW THE "POEM" ENDS!! And I am sure as shit using scare quotes around the word poem there, despite the paper who published this assuring us it is one, this is more like a collection of statements ending in an unsatisfying way. Fuck me this is so crap it hurts.
5.
"We met and married a long time ago. We worked long hours when wages were low. No telly, no bath, for times were hard. Just a cold water tap and a walk in the yard. "No holidays abroad, no carpets on floors, We'd coal on the fire and didn't lock doors. Our children arrived ( no Pill in those days). We brought them up without any state aid. "They were safe going out to play in the park. And old folk could go for a walk in the dark. No Valium, drugs and no LSD. We cured most of our ill with a good cup of tea. "No vandals, no muggings (not much to rob). We felt we were rich with a couple of bob. People seemed happier in those far off days. Kinder and caring in so many ways. "Milkmen and paperboys would whistle and sing. A night at the pictures was quite a mad fling. We got our share of troubles and strife. But we had to face it - the Pattern of Life".
6.
One Of The Lucky I Guess To Find A Delivery Slot On-Line Order Quickly It Will Be Fine A Tub OF Butter Dare I Ask For A Bottle Of Wine? Not Essential... Depending On Your Mind Dog Biscuits, Cat Food Not Much Variety For One's Daily Mood No Beans Rice Or Pasta To Dine But Arrived On Time Not Bad We Have Milk, Bread At Least Some Food Fill In Satisfaction Survey Shall We Tick Nine? I Suppose To Reveal Clues Next One... Toiletries All Seem To Have Disappeared No Hand-Wash Soap, Shampoo Not Even Bleach Or Rolls For The Loo Sanitary Protection We Shouldn't Mention Just One Small Toothpaste Will Have To Do Box Arrives... Hygienics Torn Open Don't Worry I Haven't Named You But Still No Excuse These Are Our Essentials Personal Items Escaping Thankfully Not All Missing I Know We Shouldn't Complain In Covid-19 Such A Weird Day And Age.* *Uh huh, she really did Capitalise Each And Every Word Like A Serial Killer Writing In Their Diary.
7.
Sitting upon the toilet, with my irritable bowel, Considering my existence, as my intestines growl, My stomach is distended, because I am filled with gas, And I am, stuck here, waiting, for this agony to pass. Will I be here for hours? Well that would be just my luck, A lengthy wait is all I need. I should have brought a book. I should have brought a library, the often times I’m here, Enhance my education, whilst I’m stuck upon my rear. But what if I am needed, whilst I’m sitting on the throne, For thought this need is urgent, it wouldn’t be right to phone, I’ll just have to stay off grid, like I’m stuck in solitary, For I’m endlessly imprisoned, in this damned lavatory*. Will I be constipated? Or will I get diarrhoea? Will I know when I have finished? This is my nagging fear. To decide when I should stand up, is something I must guess, But an ill-timed rise to action, will cause a dreadful mess. I could, perhaps, just risk it, and rapidly take my leave, But I will get in trouble, if my guess I misconceive, So I’m reigned to sit here, whatever this day will bring, With my buttocks, ever branded, by this cursed toilet ring. *I’d probably think it needlessly harsh recording a crap poem (pun NOT intended) about IBS, but he deserves it for trying to force lavatory to rhyme with solitary. You can make them rhyme, but then the poem doesn’t fucking scan properly. FFS
8.
Some men love only once And their happiness is stolen By fate, or death, or both But I have loved a dozen times, In hotels, in cars, In Sadler Gate bars And to have loved so oten (Sometimes even returned to me) Is a life I would exchange with nobody
9.
Dirty mucky face nappy, spreading its [sic] germs on to you and me. Dirty mucky face nappy, doing more harm than we can see. The scientists said No, No, No, Boris once said the same. Seems like the world we knew has gone madly insane. Dirty mucky face nappy, wear it on the transport and wear it in the shop. Dirty mucky face nappy, was that a grunt or snort suck another cough drop. I hear those shouts of dismay, it's all for our own good We must and will obey, without question we should. Dirty mucky face nappy, wear one if you're happy. But please d o not ask me, I just want to stay free.
10.

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released April 20, 2020

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KrisWhoMakesMusic Dunstable, UK

A currently furloughed customer service worker who enjoys recording stuff

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